Before the Hole Forms
by Janiqua
Summary: A night after the Apocalypse, Illyria visits Wesley's grave in Fred's shape, longing to make amends. ONESHOT!


Please review. Tell me what you think.

**Disclaimer:** The characters don't belong to me. The few patches of actual script don't belong to me. But other than that, it's mine.

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"Oh my Wesley… My Wesley."

The night was reaching its darkest hour. They say that is when it is closest to dawn. But in this world, there was no dawn. True, day would come, but there was never any dawn.

Alone in the cemetery several miles from the city, a young woman sat before the grave of her lost… lover? Perhaps. Or maybe not. Maybe he had only been her friend. He hadn't loved her. Not her.

The woman was small. So petite she appeared fragile. She wore black boots and pants, and a tan, sleeveless blouse. Her hair was a deep, fresh chestnut that flowed in waves towards the ground. Her eyes, brown and so full of wisdom, were also filled with unshed tears. Kneeling on the grass with only the stars, the crescent moon, and the distant lights of a far away city as beacons in the night, she stared at the stone that marked Wesley Wyndom-Price's grave.

Empty. That was how she felt. Hollow. Like this body would be if she ever left it. Like his body was now, buried in the ground. The emptiness… how could she keep on living if this was all that was left to her? She had asked that question before. But only now did she realize that before she hadn't been empty. Not like she was now.

"So many memories…" she whispered to a stone that would not answer her. "They confuse me. Why can't you be here to help me sort through them? I need you. We deserve… I should be able to be with you." But she was not the one he had wanted to be with. That had been someone else. The memories swept over her again, and she was thrown back into the past.

"_I am not... I am not the damsel in distress. I am not some _case_! I have to work this! I lived in a cave for five years in a world where they killed my kind like cattle. I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu! I am better than that!"_

She returned to the grave site with fresh tears in her eyes. "But I wonder how very scared I am." She slowly pushed herself off the ground and looked down at the grave stone, slowly shaking her head. "Why did you leave? I hate that you left! I hate it!"

"_I swear on my life, we will stop this, but you must be back in bed. That's where I need you to fight."_

"_Like I'm six years old?"_

"Then bring it. Take me home." She had been so strong. So courageous. She stared down at the cold gray stone. "Is that what you want? Is that why you left? Because I wasn't brave? If I'm brave, will you come back to me?" She waited for a moment, but there was no answer. She cried out in frustration. "Answer me! I demand you to! You can't just decide to die! You don't get to make that decision!"

"_Who is Feigenbaum?"_

"_I don't remember…"_

"Come back! I have to have you here! Before I forget what you looked like! Before I forget you! Come back now!"

"_The light… hurts my eyes. But I don't want you to turn it off. But it hurts my eyes. Everything's so bright and hollow... Cave men win. Of course the cave men win."_

"Why did you waste my time with such foolishness? That hardly matters. You are what mattered and now you're gone! I hate you!"

"_Oh God, I sinned! I've sinned, and I'm being punished! I don't know what's wrong. I never got a B minus before… Sorry. I'm sorry! Make it stop!"_

"If you don't, I'll kill you!"

"_Why did we go there? Why did we think we could beat it?"_

"It wasn't right! Nothing ever is right! We didn't make a difference. Nothing has changed! To hell with the world."

"_I'm with him! He won't leave me now! We're so close!"_

"But you did! You left! How could you leave me?"

"_My boys. I walk with heroes. Think about that."_

"_You are one."_

"There's no such thing."

"_Superhero. And this is my power. To not let them take me. Not me… He's with me."_

"You've left me alone."

"_Would you have loved me?"_

"Would you have loved me?"

"_I'm not scared."_

"I'm frightened now."

"_Why can't I stay?"_

"Why did you leave me? Why? Didn't you think about how I would feel? Did you think I wasn't able to feel? Did you even consider how leaving me would kill me?"

"_There is no perfect day for me… There is no sunset or painting or finely aged scotch that's going to sum up my life and make tonight any… there's nothing that I want."_

"What about what I want? Wasn't I allowed that one chance?"

"_Would you like me to lie to you now?"_

"_Yes. Thank you, yes… Hello there."_

"_Oh Wesley, my Wesley. I've missed you. It's going to be okay. It won't hurt much longer, and then you'll be where I am… We'll be together."_

"_I… I love you."_

"_I love you... My love, oh my love."_

"Those tears weren't lies! Did you think they were? Did you think that because of that, it was okay for you to abandon me here in this useless, disgusting world? Did you?" She stared down at the cold stone in anger. "Did you?" She screamed at it. "You were wrong! About everything! If you don't return to me this minute I'll wipe clean every memory of you in existence! Return to me! I beg you to!"

Her screams dissolved into sobs and she fell to her knees crying. Her beautiful brown hair fell into her face as tears streamed down towards the core of the Earth. No. There was no core in the Earth. There was a hole there. A hole in the world. A hole in the broken heart of the planet.

"_I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu. I am better than that!"_

"_I walked with heroes."_

"I wish I was one." She glanced up at the sky. There was no pathetic fallacy that night. The stars were bright and calm and tranquil. Filled with peace that she did not share.

"What are you doing?"

The girl glanced over her shoulder to see a man… not a man. A vampire. He was watching her coldly from the shadows. Coldness. That was all he could be. And that was all she could feel. There was no life in the world. No warmth. Not since he had left it. He had taken it with him.

"He left," she reminded the vampire. "What made him think he could?"

"I meant what are you doing like that?" he gestured towards her. "You aren't worthy of that."

She stood once again to face the vampire before her body melted coldly away into the being she was in reality. Strong. Hard. Gracefully solid and firm. Dressed in red leather and with white skin and blue eyes and hair. But to his amazement, even in this form, tears still fell down her face. "I am not worthy. You are correct. But still I feel this sorrow he spoke of. I think I understand it now."

Angel walked closer to her, staring at her face in wonder. "You cry?" His voice was soft and close to breaking.

"Tears of hate," she assured him, trying not to choke on her words. She turned from him, unable to hold his gaze any longer. That alone spoke volumes for how far she had fallen.

"You regret?" he asked her. She nodded slightly.

"It was not supposed to be like this," she told him. "I came here expecting to get what is mine. But even now, what is mine is denied me. Hell would deal a kinder fate than this."

"I believe that," he whispered.

"Look at me now," she continued. "Crying. Feeling unworthy. Humility and regret. I've become no better than a human. This was not supposed to be." She turned to face him, staring at him past her tears. "I cannot heal in this body. And if I cannot heal, then I cannot repent." She looked away, staring into the distance. "Did such words truly part my lips?"

"Yes," Angel could hardly believe it. "Does her body bring you comfort?"

"Everything about her brings me comfort," she replied. "Until I remember who killed her." She looked back at the vampire. "Is it possible to make amends for what I have done?"

Angel thought about the countless people he had killed and what he had been fighting for since he left Sunnydale. "I believe that."

"Then let it be so," she told him. "I will lie to the world so that I can find the strength to mend the hole inside of it."

"It won't bring Wesley back," Angel warned her. "If that is the reason you want to do this."

She turned back towards Wesley's grave and knelt once again before it. When her body fell to the ground, it transformed once again into the shape that belonged to Fred. Her voice… her Texan voice… tore into Angel's dead, unbeating heart. "Nothing can bring him back to me. My Wesley. Oh my Wesley. My love." She did not look up at Angel when she addressed him. "I'm waiting."

He nodded. "It'll come."

"I hate him," she whispered. "I think… I've loved him always. Even in that pit. I can't remember why."

"You were a god-king," he reminded her. "But he made you human."

"Humans are weak," she whispered, but her voice sounded unconvincing and unsure.

"You loved him because he made you _feel_ like a person," Angel continued. His voice grew harsh. "And when he lay _dying _in your arms and you lied to him… He lied to you. He told you he loved you. And you believed him."

Illyria nodded. She turned her head. "I believed him. I still do." She turned around and looked up at him. "Dawn approaches."

Angel nodded. "Good bye Illyria. I hope you find a way to mend that damn hole." He turned and disappeared into the shadows.

OOOOOOOOOOO

"_You make me happy…"_

OOOOOOOOOOO

The sun shined warm on the city of Los Angeles. And on California herself. Near the water of the Pacific Ocean, one young woman, with long brown hair and gentle brown eyes, basked in the light as she stared out over the endless sea.

"_My father taught me about oceans. He never said it was so…"_

"_Big?"_

"_Empty."_

"_It's not. It's just all under the surface. A whole 'nother world actually."_

All under the surface. So maybe that was where her feelings lay. She didn't feel empty so much any more. Not when she looked out over the water and thought of what Fred had once told an angry young boy. All she had to do was find this world that existed beneath the surface.

"Am I Fred or Illyria?" she wondered out loud. "Neither. They have both been lost to the world." What was left was an ocean full of life if she could just peer under the surface. "I'll begin again. Apocalypses end worlds. And new worlds form. The last apocalypse has ended. So before the hole forms in this new world, I shall prevent it and save it and protect it. The cave men won't win. I will go there. I will beat them. Rules will be broken. Fred will be reunited with her love. Evil won't exist and everyone will walk with heroes."

The nameless woman smiled softly, and her soft, warm face glowed in the sunlight. "Think about that."

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End file.
